Altzeimer

What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?

You get to meet new people every day!

Driving instructor

The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.

“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.

“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

The bass players

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.

Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.

Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."

"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"

All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

Checks in the mail

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said. “It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of

$15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

homework

Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Sam: Well, at least you could try.

cat scan

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet.Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."

He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

is 50 enough?

Bill Clinton is visiting his "office" in Harlem and gets on the elevator. Already on it is a young lady who is obviously a hooker. She gives Bill a wink and, since Hillary is out of the country (thanks, Barack!), Bill asks, "How much?" She answers back, "$500". He chuckles and says he usually doesn't have to pay for it, saying "Would you take $50?". She says "Forget it" and goes on her way.The next day Bill gets on the elevator again and is happy to see the same hooker also there. He asks, "How much now?" and she says, "It's still $500." He again says, "Would you take $50?" and, as before, she turns him down. The next day Hillary is back in town and she joins Bill as he goes to his office. When the two of them get on the elevator he is not so happy to see the hooker. He ignores her and she ignores him, but after a short while she leans over and whispers in his ear, "See what you get for $50!"