Thursday, January 21, 2010

Credit card company call

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”

“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

If we were speeding,

Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

Monday, January 18, 2010

He Didn't come to see me

A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.

"My dad died," the boy replied.

"That's terrible, when did it happen?"

"Five years ago," the boy said.

"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"

"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

How long is your flight to?

An idiot called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” he asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" he said and hung up.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Sobriety Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

I didn't know

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the

hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death

experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you

have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon

recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,

liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she

figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she

was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way

home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of

the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

Joke of the Day